Title: The Desperate Housewives Cookbook
Authors: Christopher Styler and Scott S. Tobis
Publisher: Hyperion
Release Date: October 2006
Format: Hardcover
ISBN: 1-4013--0277-7

Before I begin to review The Desperate Housewives Cookbook, I have a confession to make: I'm Susan Mayer in the kitchen.

To be fair, I never had delusions of being Donna Reed, so I suppose that in that way, I'm more like pragmatic Lynette. But when it comes to actual cooking skills, I, like Susan, am quite capable of producing macaroni and cheese which tastes both burnt and underdone at the same time. Susan would probably look upon the recipes in the "Bree" section of The Desperate Housewives Cookbook as challenges, but even the simpler ones make me want to call my mother for help.

That said, I doubt whether serious chefs were ever the intended audience for The Desperate Housewives Cookbook, which has recipes by Christopher Styler and text by Scott S. Tobis. In addition to the expected glossy photos of beautifully presented dishes, there are numerous stills from the television series, plus some humorous additions like each major character's shopping list, e-mails to Bree requesting culinary advice, and "Desperate Housewives Throughout History" from Eve to Lady Godiva to Mary Todd Lincoln. "When you think about it, it is really not surprising that some form of food served as humankind's undoing," observes the commentary on the first of these women, adding that "We want the one thing we are told we cannot have...whether it's fruit, a handsome plumber, or a promotion at the office, we've all found ourselves committing desperate acts." This is a very enjoyable collectible for a fan of the series, whether that fan intends to cook or not.

So, now that that's out of the way, what do we want for dinner?

Surprisingly, Bree's section of the book comes first. This is an interesting choice because it means many of the more difficult dinner party plans come right at the beginning, but it also allows for some of the basic instruction one imagines Bree would be very good at imparting if she didn't intimidate everyone into fleeing the premises. "In Bree's kitchen, the forty-two inch stainless steel side-by-side Thermidor refrigerator and the thirty-six inch gas stovetop with built-in griddle resting on the oversize island are not just for show," Tobis reminds us. Bree believes that juice should be fresh-squeezed at home and salad should be prepared in one's own kitchen, not purchased ready-mixed, but she is happy to explain that such terms as macerate ("to soak a fruit in liquor or wine") and bruschetta ("basically a fancy version of toast") should not intimidate the novice. Cooking is not easy, warns Bree, but neither should it be needlessly difficult.

Most of the recipes in Bree's section contain shortcuts for mere mortals like myself: the corn chowder appetizer, for instance, allows for the substitution of 3 cups frozen corn kernels for six ears' worth of fresh shucked corn, and the recipe for blueberry muffins even suggests the use of frozen over fresh blueberries, explaining, "When fresh or defrosted, blueberries tend to streak the batter and turn it a nasty bluish-green." Naturally Bree suggests eating such muffins within a few hours of baking, but there are suggestions for day-old muffins eaten both healthfully, under a broiler, or sinfully, slathered with butter and cooked in a heavy skillet. The breakfasts and breads mostly look manageable, though I doubt I'll be trying to cook Bree's Lobster Risotto with Herb Oil, with or without the Italian rice and homemade Chicken Broth, not to mention the Two-Step Braised Duck. There are some salads and sandwiches that can easily be presented very nicely. And Bree wins my heart forever for the declaration that you can substitute white chocolate for real chocolate in certain dishes, but "don't pretend you're using chocolate."

Given that Susan is supposed to be the klutz in the kitchen, I was surprised to discover that some of her recipes are as complicated as Bree's. Her "Foolproof" macaroni and cheese requires the preparation in advance of Béchamel Sauce and half a pound of Gruyère or Emmenthaler cheese...Lynette and I won't be finding those in our emergency stops at the local food store to grab something for dinner for the kids. (The cookbook includes the amusing dialogue between Mike and Susan when he first tastes her version of mac and cheese.) Moreover, if I tried to make Sophie's Meatballs, I am sure I would manage to burn the top and undercook the bottom or vice versa, so that they would either fall apart or be hard as rocks. But the recipe for Vegetarian Chili is simple and terrific, and the Newfangled Noodle Casserole is lots simpler than the mac and cheese. There are also crepe recipes with fillings...along with the suggestion that anyone new to making crepes double the recipe for the batter, as "it will take several crepes in order to get the hang of things."

If I had the finances, Gabrielle's style in the kitchen would be my own; the recipes in her section are things she would make if she could be bothered to learn how, or has claimed to have made when in fact they were cooked by pros. There are some simple recipes to stay healthy and trim, like black bean soup without soaking or cooking - and without fattening sour cream, though that's an option - but the lengthy section on quesadillas, whether grilled, pan-fried or broiled, is attributed to her mother-in-law Juanita Solis. (An e-mail from Gabrielle to Lynette explains that these days when she wants quesadillas, she calls Chef Arteta at Oaxaca Café.) There is also a simple spicy paella recipe using minimal saffron and frozen peas, and an even simpler, yummy exotic fruit salad. As a fan of spicy food, I found my mouth watering more over the recipes in Gabrielle's section than any other, but I bet I'd spatter the entire kitchen making the Chicken Curry in a Hurry.

Now, Lynette's food I can handle...I too have sons who on any given day may refuse to eat anything besides grilled cheese, of which there are a couple of fancy variations. The meatloaf and pork chops are relatively simple, and Lynette isn't afraid to use the packaged carrots and mushrooms that Bree would shun. However, I don't believe that kids can be convinced to eat Brussels sprouts even with orange-honey glaze, and the potato casserole is both high in fat calories (it contains cream and grated cheese) and a little bland. Her Deviled Crab Dip isn't low-fat either, but with mustard and paprika to season it, it's delicious and very much like what I would make. The Broiled-Baked Salmon Fillets with Mustard Bread Crumbs sounds terrific too if one can avoid burning the coating, which I would probably manage to do.

Edie's section is less about balanced eating than using food to set the mood for other activities. She can make Warm Herbed Goat Cheese Salad for me any time and I like the sound of her Puttanesca (named for the world's oldest profession and made with ingredients easily kept in an Italian pantry), though I'd rather have it with chicken...I suppose sausage links are more suggestive. Edie has fabulous-looking desserts like ambrosia and "Molten Chocolate Cake" along with an aside on scientific studies that discovered an increase in penile blood flow among men smelling pumpkin pie and cinnamon. Following Edie's collection of aphrodisiac recipes, the book is rounded out with Felicia Tillman's sweets and Mike's simple rib-eye steak.

There are useful asides on purchasing seafood as well as amusing diversions such as Lynette ranting about cake mixes, plus a "Match the Desperate Housewife with Her Favorite Movie" quiz (Edie's is 9 1/2 Weeks, which "has sex, bondage and obsession. No further comment."). The end of The Desperate Housewives Cookbook contains advice from set food stylist April Falzone Green on how to make food look good onscreen, though in most cases it won't be edible - vegetables coated in Vaseline, undercooked glazed turkey which holds its shape better than an actual Thanksgiving meal. Salad dressing makes lettuce limp; sandwiches are held together with unseen toothpicks. Online sources of rare ingredients and a comprehensive index round out the cookbook.

It's great fun to flip through this book and there's a wide range of recipes for a competent amateur to try, but it's harder to say whether this book will actually find a niche market among cooks; I suspect it's more likely to be picked up by Desperate Housewives fans who may then discover the recipes. Because the major characters are so different stylistically in the kitchen, there's sure to be something that any reader (except perhaps a vegan) would love as well as things that sound entirely unappealing...or impractical for women who aspire to a waistline like Gabrielle's. Since this is a review for a fan site, I can recommend The Desperate Housewives Cookbook wholeheartedly, but don't blame me if Susan's Baked Stuffed Shells aren't all they're cracked up to be.

The Desperate Housewives Cookbook can be ordered from Amazon.com.

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